Dear Eric: My husband “Bob” and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this spring. He has many great qualities, but is also a “lone wolf” who rarely asks for my opinion or help.
A few months before he retired, I discovered that he had gone hiking with a young, cute colleague.
Years ago, he had a two-year affair with another colleague. It was a shocking experience for me.
After this latest incident, we both started seeing individual therapists. It seemed like we were moving toward a healthier situation when I caught him “drinking during the day.” He admitted he had a drinking problem and began attending a harm reduction program.
I started couples therapy.
I later found out that he opened a new bank account and purchased virtual currency without consulting me.
I think I need to get away from him for a while. I don’t know how to make him understand that his inability to discuss things with me or share his thoughts and desires with me is eroding my trust in him.
Is our relationship worth repairing?
— left in the dark
Dear Those Left in the Dark: I don’t say this lightly, but sometimes separation is an act of salvation. First, let’s think about finances. According to this explanation, he is acting irresponsibly and does not tell you about any indiscretions or important decisions. Therefore, it would be wise to consult a financial advisor or lawyer about separating your finances, at least temporarily.
Talk to him about his goals in individual therapy and your common goals in couples therapy. Like you, he may be unsure of his motives. Figuring that out is a good place for him to start. It may not be a job you can do together.
You need to be able to trust the person you are with. When broken, trust can be restored, but it requires internal and external intention, correction, and change. You may find that being in a space away from him while he works allows you to do the healing you need, feel safer, and possibly open the door to reconciliation.
Dear Eric: What can I do about my noisy 90 year old neighbor? I live in an apartment and she bangs on my cupboard door and pots and pans at 11pm.
I go to bed at 10 o’clock. It’s very frustrating. How can I confront her without making enemies?
— Sleepless Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: A request, or “Did you know I could hear this?”—that’s not a confrontation. So let’s start with daytime conversations.
“Sometimes I can’t sleep because the noise from your apartment echoes into mine. Could you be a little quieter when you cook after 10 o’clock?” She may not realize how much noise she’s making. One person’s banging on pots and pans is to another person’s “just making a cup of soup.” So knock and listen.
If she decides this makes you an enemy, that’s her fault.
Regardless of the outcome of the conversation, pack earplugs.
Dear Eric: I wanted to respond to a letter (“Sad Dad”) from a father who learned that his children do not share his DNA. I am a daughter who found out after my parents passed away that my father was not a DNA donor.
Dad and your answers were spot on. After I found out about this, I went through a confusing period. I always knew my mother was adopted – she has no other blood relatives on my mother’s side – and now I find out that my father’s blood relatives are not my blood relatives.
But after a while, of course – I am an old woman and have been through a lot anyway – my feelings calmed down. I was lucky to have the most amazing father. There is no one better to be a DNA donor. (I was a little mad at my mom, but she and I will take it in heaven). So let me tell the writer to take a deep breath and weather this emotional storm. There appears to be a good relationship on the other side.
— Gratitude Daughter
Dear Daughter: I have heard from many people who have made similar discoveries about their families of origin, and they all reflect the same sentiment: gratitude for their parents for being there. I hope the person writing the letter takes this to heart.
I have also received letters from parents who have learned that they are not the biological parents of the children they have raised and loved. Some of those letters wisely suggested that the “sad dad” was also working through his emotions with a counselor trained in family therapy. There are many complex emotions, but they deserve to be heard and perhaps healed so that family bonds remain intact.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for the weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
