Great news, fellow dreamers! Bitcoin is booming and we’re all going to get rich!
If you pay attention to mainstream media sources (I don’t know), you’ll see things like “2024 monster rally reaches new heights, Bitcoin topping $100,000” and “Post-election crypto rally.” You’ve probably seen headlines like “Bitcoin breaks the $100,000 barrier”.
USA TODAY reported that “Bitcoin’s price topped $100,000 for the first time on Thursday amid hopes that Donald Trump will create a crypto-friendly regulatory environment when he heads to the White House next year.” Ta.
Woooooo! It’s raining hard-to-understand cryptocurrencies that, according to anonymous people and creators, apparently have only atmospheric origins, yet somehow still exist. Hallelujah!
From Beanie Babies to Bitcoin, baby! Let’s get rich.
Not since the Beanie Baby boom of the mid-1990s has there been this much excitement about attaining oil tycoon-level wealth.
Back then, we were open to astute investment advice from people predicting unprecedented returns on stuffed animals with names like Nip the Cat, Inky the Octopus, and Bongo the Monkey. They know what they’re talking about, as evidenced by my three mortgages and 37 large plastic boxes filled with Beanie Babies, which I call “Attic-Based Retirement.” I knew what it was.
But now the Bitcoin craze is fueled by an even more trustworthy group of people: scammers. Chief among them, of course, is President-elect Donald Trump. He made a fortune convincing people to spend $30 on a cheap red hat and became the leader of the free world.
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If you can’t trust Donald Trump for investment advice, who can you trust?
President Trump is all about cryptocurrencies, promoting the Bitcoin news on his social media site Truth Social on Thursday. 100,000 dollars! ! ! you’re welcome! ! ! “
In the first three quarters of this year, Truth Social had revenue of $2.6 million but a loss of $363 million, and the stock was trading at about $34 per share on Thursday, but the stock The highest price it hit the market in March was $66. Needless to say, I’m going to walk through the fire with Mr. Trump’s unwavering instincts and investment advice.
Trump ally Elon Musk, famous for both paying big bucks to destroy Twitter and developing the expensive electric car that’s currently burning in my driveway, is a powerful Also a crypto advocate, he doesn’t seem at all strange or unstable.
If Trump, Musk, and Ramaswamy tell me to buy Bitcoin, I’ll be in it!
So is Vivek Ramaswamy, whom Trump teamed up with Musk to create a bogus Department of Government Efficiency, an acronym for “Dogecoin,” another type of fake currency that I don’t need to understand to believe. It is an acronym for “Dogecoin”.
Fast-talking Ramaswami doesn’t exactly sound like the kind of guy who would pop up on a late-night news show and try to sell me a “forward mortgage” or some knock-off Shamwow along with my “reverse mortgage.”
So you better believe I’m going to follow the lead of these totally unselfish billionaires and ignore the so-called experts and Nobel Prize-winning economists who say Bitcoin is extremely dangerous. That’s fine.
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Because Bitcoin sounds like a scam and looks like a scam…
Did the U.S. Department of Justice seize more than $112 million related to a cryptocurrency investment scheme last year? Maybe.
Also, as federal prosecutor Martin Estrada said in a statement at the time: “High-tech scammers have used traditional scammer tactics and capitalized on the hype and hype surrounding cryptocurrencies to persuade countless Americans to invest in a get-rich-quick scheme.” . ”
Yes, certainly. But that overlooks my desire to get rich quick, which essentially requires a get rich quick scheme. Of course.
What are the main currencies used by criminals? Where should I register?
Didn’t Eric Maskin, a Harvard professor and 2007 Nobel Prize winner in economics, recently tell the Miami Herald that cryptocurrencies are “far from a safe investment”? Did I mention that it’s a great way to carry out criminal transactions and hide them under anonymity?
Don’t threaten to have fun, Professor Maskin! When you say, “It’s far from a safe investment,” you hear, “I don’t want you to invest in this great investment, I have better things to invest in, which sucks.”
No, I’m going to go with those who believe everything they tell me and benefit me. It’s time to put your life savings into something that technically doesn’t exist.
And if something goes wrong, I have an attic full of Beanie Babies that I can always rely on. Those things will be worth a lot of money right now.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
